We need to be honest about our core values and beliefs away from any religious laws and beliefs.
We need to establish some irrefutable laws of our Universe and of man are driving motivational forces: Laws that both Science and Man’s Religion agree upon as FACT. This is important if we are going to have a discussion about truth and honesty. Like Gravity, Love and Fear are present at all times in our Universe and have a cause and effect on our life.
The two most powerful driving motivational forces that causes man to think and act upon his thoughts are PAIN and PLEASURE.
That being said, we can NOT include Man’s Religion into the mix of our discussion else we open ourselves up to a place of judgment, right and wrong , good and bad based on a set of rules and laws defined by someone’s religious beliefs. This will only lead to more PAIN and FEAR.
What we need right now is LOVE Period. Love is the only way back to honesty and honesty is the only way to the integrity of a healthy loving relationship. Without love repair is not going to happen.
Colors of FEAR include : blame, anger, rage, revenge, shame ,guilt, judgment of right or wrong, and good or bad. There is no repair in FEAR.
We all have our own perceptions as to what love and fear, pain and pleasure mean to us, but generally speaking we all want to be loved, valued and appreciated for who we are. We have felt the feelings of PAIN and we want to avoid it and move away from and we want to move closer toward the feeling of PLEASURE. For most people what we all want is Happiness. It may come in various sizes, colors and shapes, and it may come to us in the form of people, places and things, however when you come to the bottom line as to what we really want,: To be Happy is the real reason we want IT. ALL that being said:
Somewhere along the way you and your partner went in different directions and now if this is going to work you both need to go in the same direction. However one may need more time and space to get there. This is so important for the other one to understand.
The tendency is for the one who caused the betrayal to over react , over think and over work the repair in their effort to mend this relationship. They are in PAIN and want this over and done as quickly as possible.
While at the same time the one who was betrayed has already had massive amounts of PAIN, they have been living in pain, and hurt, suffering for days , maybe months or longer with this feeling of distrust in their heart. Their heart is broken in a millions pieces. A part of themselves has died, and now in morning. Their position compromised, they feel violated, their intimacy broken, they feel less than worth it to you, this has affected their own self-worth. They feel broken down, rejected, cast aside like waste in a dark place where all kinds of fears live and thrive. They are weak and venerable in PAIN.
So DO not talk to them about YOUR pain. Trust me, they understand it so well.
By trying so hard, too hard to make this situation better you would THINK this is what they want and if they do not accept your apologies and effort to repair, you may THINK they want nothing to do with you and do not even want to try to mend your relationship. This is my point ! hey are not ready yet and you need to give them more time and space right now. What you need to do is listen to them , they need to be heard again. You need to feel their pain, live their hurt and understand what has happened to them . They need LOVE and lots of it.
This is why trying so hard and pouring it on so much has a negative affect. It only confirms one thing; You only care about yourself and your pain and hurt and loss NOW and all you want is to get them back. This is NOT about you and your time and space anymore it’s about them and their time and space right NOW.
While on one hand they may appreciate your willingness to take actions to fix the problem, on the other hand this is too overwhelming for them. Their energy levels are low, their sense of self has been drained and they need to heal. If you come on too strong they will pull back. They are protecting their heart from more pain they see as coming from you. Even if your intention and well thought out and they see them as good, what they need more of now is your compassion.
Remember it takes both of you to make this work. They need to want to again and they might not be ready yet to take that step, they are scared of you, FEAR has your face now. They need to get their footing back and just stand up again before they can take a step. This takes time and you MUST give them space.
The one who betrayed is so consumed with their own pain and sorrow. They want to FIX this as soon as possible and get back to together while the other person does not want to go back to anything.
This decision did NOT come easy for them nor will it be easy for them to want to again. This has more to do with them and what’s best for them as to why the left the relationship not to hurt you. So, just think about the two driving forces that are motivating each of you right now. PAIN and PLEASURE. They want to avoid more pain and move toward pleasure. You are the PAIN right NOW and healing their wounds is their PLEASURE they want to move toward. This can come from many sources:
1. From their family and friends
2. From their faith in religion to give it to their God to heal them
3. From their awakening into their own higher self of self-healing
4. From a Professional Therapist
5. From another outside interest, a hobby
6. From another partner/lover. (This choice tends to be a temporary band aid and not a fix to heal, none the less it is a moving away from the pain and toward a pleasure)
Repairing Relationship Trust ~ what to move closer to is LOVE
Create an action plan that includes love and lots of it.
Actions speak louder than any words. It will be your actions that will help the other person move closer toward you and repair your relationship more than your words. It’s ok to take small little steps showing them you care with your kindness and compassion, just don’t overdo IT. What you can do and can take massive steps in, is fixing you.
Working on YOU is the best way you can help mend the other person’s broken heart. I know that sounds crazy. I know it seems so selfish but when we work on ourselves and fix our own problems and heal our own issues of imperfections we are in fact helping to heal our relationship with our mate.
HOW~ because what we are doing speaks volumes about who we are and what we are willing to do to fix this. We become more believable in our mates eyes. It says, I want to change what I was doing, to what I am doing now. It helps validate their feelings that what you were doing was not good for them or your relationship. They can see that what you are doing NOW is good for you. It says, I want to be better than I was. I want to change what I was doing to help make my best come forth. Can you see that? Fixing you, is fixing the relationship. When they see you living the life you say in words you want for them and US, its speaks volumes with a single word being spoken. You are become a man of your words again the doing of. This builds trust, integrity, and confidence, does that make sense to you?
As I worked through this process I came to this truth for me and wrote :
When we are working toward living the life we desire life to BE ~ Even though we are not there YET, even though we may have mountains to climb, and oceans to swim, we instantly become believable to ourselves as well as others in our world!
Our actions speak louder than our words. We gain in hope; we become more trusted, gain in credibility, because you can see our progress.
For the man who commits to his change in the doing of everyday in every way and not just the talking about it ~ WHERE he is, no longer has anything to do with WHO he IS , who he is becoming is his own vision of Love driven by his pleasure’s and that is mighty powerful stuff ~ Paul
No one wants to GO BACK TO~ We need to move forward from here. This is what you are doing.
When they are ready to sit down and communicate WITH you again. This means they want to.
STEP 1.The first step is to IDENTIFY what went wrong.
Hear them out, let them talk and listen to them. Feel their pain, understand there hurt and BE compassionate.
Identify what areas of your relations need to change to allow its best to come forth to be better.
List all your strengths. These can yours, theirs and the relationship itself.
Once you know the problem you can better find a solution to fix it.
STEP 2. SOLUTION:
You need to come up with a plan of action that you both agree on, put some realistic time limits on when you think it should be done and then have some accountability. To redefine the agreement, set new time limits and again have accountability unto you get it right.
One very important note to make is: Come into this with this a healthy expectation: that we know there are going to have success and r failure’s along the way. Neither is better than the others BOTH success and failure teach us. They help us to grow and know more about what we like and what we don’t like. That the ONLY way to really fail is to quit!.
Couples that work together say together.
STEP 3. Good Healthy daily MAINTENANCE. You both need to have the expectation that moving forward, there are going to be time of bliss again ~ that there is going to be times of disagreement again ~ But that by working together, communication and the desire you have to lead with love you always move toward repair. This is the way to peace and having a health relationship once again. No one, no place, and no thing is perfect in this life. We are flawed from the start to make many mistakes along the way. We are subject to our own human condition. The only thing that is perfect about each other is that we are perfectly, imperfect.
Love is the most powerful healing force there is in this life. Love is the reason for all of our seasons. Only with love can heal was has happened. Love comes in many colors, shapes and sizes. Where there is love there is peace. What happened to you both can be the very reasons your relationships grew and became even stronger for a lifetime of share your love. YES, you can mend your relationship. I am so interested in what you think and what’s on your mind. Paul ~ Founder of How to Mend Your Relationship